There’s a terrific quote from Oscar Wilde:
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
What he’s talking about is what people do to themselves in order to fit in with others. It isn’t about belonging. It’s about fitting in.
There’s a big difference between belonging and fitting in.
One of those aligns with one’s authenticity and the other requires compromise of one’s true self.
Human being are social animals, and the need to be accepted by others is a powerful force. It’s what enabled our species to evolve – groups provided protection. However, to be part of the group meant being, thinking and doing what everyone else in the group did.
Just think back to your childhood; the need to fit in with a friendship group required you to conform to what the other kids were doing, how they were dressing, what music they liked, etc. It was risky to be the one who loved folk music when everyone else was into AC/DC, right? You could be teased, bullied and/or rejected from that group.
Conforming to ‘the group’ is something that continues throughout life. Do you ever find yourself setting aside your choices, your preferences, even your values, in order to feel accepted by others? Those sorts of compromises are a sign that the group places greater importance on ‘fitting in’ rather than accepting and embracing individuals for who they are, what they think and what they do.
I used to always half-jokingly say that there must have been a mix-up at the hospital when I was born and was taken in by the wrong family because I was just so different to the rest of my family. I didn’t fit in. I’ve always seen things differently, liked different things, wanted different things, and held different values. BUT, I’ve always known that I belonged. Sure, I was the black sheep, but I was still part of the flock.
And that’s the difference. You can still know that you belong even when you see the world differently, you act differently, you like and dislike different things, and even if you hold different values. However, if you find that you have to compromise who you are, what you do, how you think or behave in order to be accepted, then you can’t say that you belong. You simply fit in.
Sure, when you make a decision to show your true self to the group, you might be rejected. That can be a very scary thought. But, compromising who you are and what you believe will eat away at your soul. Suppression of self is far more dangerous than most people realise.
Just remember, if that group rejects you, then it wasn’t your group in the first place. Your tribe is still out there. You’ll know when you find them because they are the ones who will accept you for you, as you are.
So, don’t simply accept fitting in. You deserve more. You deserve to belong.
